So I�m at working, chatting with a fellow slave to the grindstone, when he casually mentions that his girlfriend is taking classes at a local tech college to become a dental assistant. Usually, all he has to mention is his girlfriend to get my ears to perk. Not because she�s amazingly beautiful or the normal reasons to be interested, but more because stories involving her have actually ended with ��and I thought it would be a good idea to lube up a golf ball and shove it in her ass. She screamed. I don�t think she liked it.� Yeah. I can�t make this up.

Anyway, he�s going on and on about this and I ask why she didn�t like her current job. She is one of those folks that works in an old folks home and empties bed pans, gives the sponge baths, and what not. What followed was both shocking and disturbing. It turns out they have to bathe the old folks, since they are, well, old. Okay, so you are washing off old people. Someone made a few bad life choices, it seems. Oh, but there is more. He goes on to mention that some of the old people are fat. Really fat. Like Louie Anderson on a Jumbo-tron fat. You know how you�ll see hideously obese people on the street, people so fat you have no clue what-so -ever how they could let themselves end up like that? Well, apparently fat goes to places other than just the love handles � namely the areas around you genitals. And is pushes out. Far. The fatter you get, the more the fat pushes out until you dong is level with your fat. Enter: my friend�s girlfriend with a Qtip to clean the tip of your cock that is just below the surface of the fat level when you get old and are in a home. The mere mental imagery nearly made me lose the king size Twix I had just eaten.

I�m standing there, open mouthed, completely stunned. He starts laughing, for apparently this was the reaction he was hoping for. He assures me he�s serious, and she�s looking to change careers because she�s tired of cleaning old people�s penis dents. I couldn�t believe it. Now, everyone puts on a few pounds every now and then. Some people actually look better when they are a little stout. But to get so damn fat your penis becomes inverted is a little beyond fucked up. Can NOTHING motivate you?

For the rest of the day I couldn�t look at fat people, even not-so fat people. When someone big walked by I just wanted to yell �Put down that fucking whopper and go jog a few miles. Think of your cock! What did it ever do to you, but love you unconditionally? It was always there for you! And here you are, wrapping it in a grotesque burial shroud of cellulite! Think of the kids in the poor countries that don�t even have penises while you waste yours! For shame!� Arg, it�s just sick. Jared wants us all to think he just really liked Subway sandwiches, but now we know the truth.: he wanted his crank back.

I was thinking about going to the people that make those inspirational posters for schools, where there is a guy in a suit with a nice car and it says �Stay in School!� I think a more effective poster would be someone cleaning an old fat guys penis crater with a Qtip and a caption that said �Sweet merciful Christ, kill me now. I should have stayed in school. The fires of hell will be a welcome change.�

I think I�m going to skip dinner tonight, run a few miles, then just sit in a chair and stare at my penis.

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Past / Present

Reason #1 to stay in school
07.21.03 / 7:35 p.m.
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Does he ever get the girl?