I want to die.

Actually, that's a bit misleading. As odd as it sounds, I don't really want to be dead, I just don't want to be alive. I'd probably kill myself but I'm too lazy. That's not really true, either. Nothing in life is driving me crazy. There is no over-powering depression. No bad breakups, no harsh times. There's just nothing. I just want to go to sleep one night and not wake up. I need to get an old, faulty gas water heater. Too bad I wouldn't be able to enjoy not being alive, what with being dead and everything. A good, deep coma would be cool too. I just want to sleep forever and never have to see the fucking sun again.

Everyday is the same. I wake up. I go to work. I play video games or something for a few hours. I go to bed. Wow. Oh, sure, I get moments of happiness evry now and then, but never joy. Never sustained feelings of good cheer. Over the years there have been a grand total of two people that actually made me happy to be alive to know them, and I've tired of dealing with them both. Well, at least to any extent that matters. My relationship with one has severly deterriated since a few weeks ago when we discussed the possibility of a "we". Needless to say, all didn't go well. Good thing I hadn't invested 6 years in her, as she lead me to believe it was going somewhere one day. Oh, wait, I did. Stupid me. I learned my lesson, though. The other is no better. My feelings for her come and go, but when they come it's pretty strong. I usually have to keep whatever feelings I have for her in check for various reasons. The first go round it was becuase of my relationship to the people she was living with. This time it's something simpler: her boyfriend. Yeah, significant others tend to put a damper on the whole "let's see where this goes." I could easily let myself go and I know I would fall hard for her. Each time I'm near her my skin almost burns to touch her. But to what end? She's got someone, and she's happy. That's all I really want for her. Happiness. At least someone should be happy, and she deserves it way more than me.

All of this doesn't really bother me, it's just kind of frustrating. In general, I don't really like people. I'm much happier when I am alone. Over the years I've blocked relationships and pruned off ones that snuck through my efforts till I had a small group of folks I see occasionaly, when it suits me. What's frustrating is why these two seem to matter to me at all. I guess somewhere I have the innate desire to be with someone, as deeply buried as it is. What better way to avoid a relationship than focusing on people you know you can't be with, ever? My subconscious is a friggin genius. I should take it out to dinner sometime.

Life is boring. I work so I can afford housing and food so I can continue to live so I can go to work so I can afford housing and food.... Hey, I recognize this circle. Please pull over to the curb. I'd really like to get off.

Past / Present